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A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can make wild passionate love to me tonight!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"
A robber broke in on a young woman and her elderly mother. "I'm going to tie you up while I fill my bag with swag," he said, "and then before I leave I'm going to have my way with both of you."
"Oh, please, sir," cried the young woman, "take anything you want, and do what you will with me, but PLEASE spare my dear old mother."
"Now, dear," said the mother, "don't try to teach the man his trade."
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, Silly!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before my surgery."
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