 |
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can make wild passionate love to me tonight!"
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"
A robber broke in on a young woman and her elderly mother. "I'm going to tie you up while I fill my bag with swag," he said, "and then before I leave I'm going to have my way with both of you."
"Oh, please, sir," cried the young woman, "take anything you want, and do what you will with me, but PLEASE spare my dear old mother."
"Now, dear," said the mother, "don't try to teach the man his trade."
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, Silly!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before my surgery."
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
|
|
