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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,"
he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come
over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back
and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was
there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his
word he made contact.
Mary... Mary...
Is that you John?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have
sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex
pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep
then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Indiana.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a
pub together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to
enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their
pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking
it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out
over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
BASTARD!!!!"
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments!
So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.
This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her
thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes."
The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb twit, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......"
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