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Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW! What a Ride!"
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart.
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven zip."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tied the score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he craps the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One guy looks up and sees a funeral parade going across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The parade crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching, I didn't know you had that in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
I just got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Bill, playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 25 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
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