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I just got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart.
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven zip."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tied the score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he craps the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
Bill, playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 25 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
Bill goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
Bill says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Jim hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Bill's wife says, "That's terrible!"
Bill says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Jim, hit the ball, drag Jim, hit the ball, drag Jim. . ."
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
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